Calling out mates, calling out abusers - why men must lead

Last week, three women were killed in separate incidents across New South Wales within 24 hours of each other. A 23-year-old in Wagga Wagga, a 90-year-old in Bondi and a 70-year-old near Tenterfield. In each case, police allege the man responsible was known to her. I usually write about the mental health of veterans and farmers in this space. But something keeps happening that I can't stay quiet about. This isn't a women's issue for women to fix. It's a men's issue, and it needs men to fix it. Calling it out Most men aren't violent toward women, but most violent men have other men around them who see the warning signs and say nothing. We've been taught to mind our own business about "domestic stuff." That silence is exactly what lets it keep happening. Scottish comedian Daniel Sloss captured it well in his 2019 show X, describing a man he'd known for eight years who went on to rape a woman they both knew. Sloss admitted he'd noticed things in that man's behaviour for years and said nothing, telling himself that not being part of the problem made him part of the solution. It doesn't, not being violent yourself is the bare minimum, not the finish line. St Joseph's College headmaster Michael Blake made the same point to his own students this month, telling them he wants every young woman who meets one of his boys to be safer because that boy is there, not merely safe from him. That's the bar. Not "I'd never hurt her." Safer because you showed up. And conversations alone aren't enough anymore. Men need to stand up and hold other men accountable, call them out, and keep calling them out until the behaviour actually changes. If you hear a mate talk about a woman with contempt, say something. If a mate's partner seems frightened of him, or isolated from her own friends, that's worth noticing, the same way we've talked in this series about noticing when someone's mental health is off. Accountability, not excuses Every time one of these stories breaks, there's a scramble for explanations, mental health, medication, stress. Those things don't cause a man to kill a woman. Plenty of men carry all of that and never lift a hand to anyone. Accountability sits with the person who chose violence, not the excuse reached for afterward. That's hard to hold when the man involved is someone you respect. Hold it anyway. Too often, these deaths aren't the first sign of trouble. Earlier this year, Julian Ingram shot three people dead at Lake Cargelligo, including a pregnant woman he'd already been charged with domestic violence offences against. He was out on bail, a restraining order was in place to protect her, and he breached it anyway. When the system already knows a man is dangerous and he's still free to find the woman he's been ordered to stay away from, that's a failure beyond just his. "Not all men" isn't the point Raise any of this and someone will say "not all men." True, and beside the point. Imagine a bowl of a hundred lollies and you're told one is poisoned. You wouldn't eat any, because you don't know which one. That's not an insult to the other ninety-nine, it's common sense when the cost of guessing wrong is your life. That's the position many women make decisions from. The question of false allegations deserves a straight answer: the most rigorous, peer-reviewed studies put false sexual assault allegations at 2 to 10 per cent, with the Australian figure around 2 per cent. They happen, and they're damaging when they do. But they're rare, and using them to wave away the scale of the real problem doesn't hold up. Some of the loudest voices telling young men women can't be trusted have built entire followings out of it, the "manosphere," with figures like Andrew Tate among its most prominent, drawing isolated young men toward outright hostility labelled "incel." That anger doesn't come from nowhere. But the answer isn't contempt for women, it's connection, and better men showing a different way. Closer to home Out here, everyone knows everyone. That's usually a strength, knowing your people means catching trouble early. It cuts the other way too: a woman experiencing violence might see the same GP, the same police officer, as the man hurting her, making it harder to speak up and easier for bad behaviour to hide because "he's a good bloke." Good men don't hit women. If someone's hurting the people closest to him, he needs to be held to account, and stopped. What to actually do If you're worried about a woman's safety, or your own, 1800RESPECT is a 24/7 national counselling line, 1800 737 732. In an emergency, always call 000. If you're a man worried about your own behaviour, the Men's Referral Service, 1300 766 49, exists for that, confidentially, before anything happens. Three women died last week because men were violent toward them. The men who could have called it out beforehand, and didn't, are part of why it keeps happening. Don't be one of them.