Most of us avoid confrontation like the plague. It makes our hearts race and our skin become clammy, the blood races into our cheeks and our minds go blank of all the intelligent responses we would ordinarily be able to make.

In short, for many of us, the idea of conflict makes us feel somewhat sick. While common, this is not an optimal physical condition for being able to deal with conflict well – from the very onset we are starting off at a disadvantage.

Despite the inclusion of “conflict resolution” on our resumes almost by default for people who manage or engage with others in their role, it’s a skill that requires more than cursory thought.

Strong conflict resolution skills can be the difference between being a successful manager, leader, teacher, customer service officer, P&C committee member or parent, and one who is struggling to find success.

There are three main types of conflict: relationship conflicts (e.g. breach of confidence), instrumental conflicts (e.g. relating to goals), and conflicts of interest (e.g. crossing interests that could cause bias). Regardless of the type involved, it is easier to deal with if it’s dealt with early on – the longer you sweep it under the carpet, pretend it doesn’t exist or dance around the issue, the harder it will be to resolve.

Power is always involved in conflict. Just because you have more power in the relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that you should wield it to bend the other party to your will.

When a “loser” is created in the situation, and that person has no outlet to feel heard or understood, this will result in bottled animosity that will ultimately cause further conflict.

Take the example of a teacher in conflict with a student. The teacher is the obvious holder of power in this relationship and will often wield it to force compliance in a student who has pushed a boundary.

When the student isn’t given the opportunity to express their reasons behind their actions, and it is just the outcome that is judged, this can result in bottled frustration and resentment that will ultimately boil over down the track.

However, If the teacher provided the student with a forum for sharing their side of the story, the teacher would be able to make a fairer assessment and act accordingly.

The same thing applies in management and customer service situations.

Regardless of the nature of the problem, providing a forum for discussion where both sides are voiced in full will facilitate an opportunity for the two parties to see the other’s perspective and lead to a greater chance for negotiation or compromise.

The key to successful conflict resolution is to listen to the complaint of the other party, validate their emotional response to the situation, share your perspective, and then negotiate and collaborate together to find a solution. If you talk to anyone in retail, they will tell you that the customer isn’t always right. But in practice, the customer must always be heard.

You can’t come to a solution without first understanding the nature of the problem, otherwise, you are just responding to the surface level symptoms of angry outbursts and conflict-fuelled communication.

Expressing your own perspective clearly and concisely, without animosity, aggression or anger is vital to modelling the expected tone of the conversation.

If you respond to conflict calmly, you will be able to de-escalate the situation, as it is significantly harder to continually generate the anger and aggression when you aren’t being faced with it in response.

Conflict of some sort is inevitable in the workplace, but how you deal with it can be the difference between a happy, productive workplace and an angry, frustrated one.

Just remember that conflict resolution skills start with you.

You need to be able to reflect on your own communication shortfalls and re-examine your expectations and goals closely to effectively negotiate and collaborate on a solution.