Bachelorette turns Fatal Attraction as fresh romance blooms


Oh my God, did you see that look? Not between Sophie and her suitor, though there are a few hot moments in this episode. Not between Jarrod and Sam - seriously, if looks could kill, Jarrod would be up for manslaughter - and not between Sophie's dad, the undercover driver, and his lascivious-minded passengers (yes, Sam, we're talking about you again).

No, the real heat is in the look that passes between those two blokes right at the end, when one of them is sent packing and the other wonders how long it will be until they meet again. Or something.

But we'll get to all that later.

First, there's a quick reminder of just how obsessive and possessive Jarrod is. Old Farmer-Wants-A-Wife looked like such a sweetie for all of 15 minutes but by the end of last week's second episode he was firmly ensconced in bunny-boiler territory. He sees every other bloke as a threat to be taken out with military precision, or maybe just a dose of calicivirus.

He must be seething, then, when Luke gets the single date. Imagine how furious he would be if he could hear Sophie explaining why.

"It's obvious," she says. "He's hot."

She reckons he "looks a bit like George Clooney". He doesn't, but he seems nice enough. Mind you, so did Jarrod, and look how that's turning out.

Their date is a day at the beach. There are towels, surfboards, a picnic basket. But Gidget Monk doesn't have beach blanket bingo in mind - she wants to play 20 questions, each one of them buried inside a sandcastle.

Luke, in whom Sophie sees a touch of George Clooney.

George Clooney. Or perhaps not.Photo: Ten

Her first question cuts straight to the chase. "What age were you when you lost your virginity?"

"17," he says.

"Same," says Sophie.

The girl in question was 25, says Luke. "She took the reins."

"Gee, I wonder why she took the reins," says Sophie to the camera. "Of course you would. He's gorgeous."

Does anyone remember her saying looks didn't matter? Not Sophie, obviously.

There's a question inside SandCasterly Rock about worst habits. He confesses he bites his nails, she admits she swears a lot.

Sophie Monk and Luke enjoy a sandcastle date.

You can't stave at a beach picnic, because of all the sandwiches there. Photo: Ten

"It helps the sentence along," she explains. "There's so much passion in it when you throw a swear word in."

Too f---ing right.

To the camera, she adds: "People major in French or German, I just happen to be fluent in potty mouth." You might even say she's effluent in it.

Suddenly, Sophie is on the beach in a ridiculous sumo suit, one of those stupid innovations that supposedly make playing in the surf more fun, and get bought by the truckload for Christmas only to end up in the hard rubbish come January.

"I feel like I'm in a giant inflatable condom," says Sophie as she's tossed around in the surf like some poor little spermatozoon in ??? OK, let's not go there.

Near-death experience over, Sophie and Luke reconvene on the sand to continue getting to know each other.

She's not a city person, she tells him. "I don't like crowds." If she goes to a red carpet event, she simply walks the red carpet then immediately buggers off.

So now the secret's out. Publicists across Australia utter a collective curse.

Sophie Monk and Luke sumo surfing.

Wait till January. They'll be much cheaper then. Photo: Ten

Back in the mansion, Jarrod is cocking his leg all over the furniture. Sophie is his, and he's determined to mark his patch.

"We really connected," he says to a group of slightly scared blokes. "I'm actually getting the feelings."

Sophie's getting them too, but she doesn't much like it.

"All those touchy-feely things, I can do in movies, because it's acting," she confesses to the camera. "But in real life I can't do it. It's so embarrassing."

She has a stab, though, with Not-George-Clooney. She really likes him. He really likes her. He asks if she would mind, terribly, if he, perhaps, if it was not too much of an imposition, kind of, maybe, leant over and gave her a kiss.

To the camera she says: "Stop asking, Luke, just do it."

He does, and she's immediately wondering what the hell she's up to. That's two one-on-one dates, and two blokes she's pashed.

"I swore to myself that I wouldn't kiss every guy I went on a date with. Next minute, whoopsies. Sorry Dad."

An awkward moment between Luke and Sophie

Oh, just get on with it, man. Photo: Ten

Speaking of whom, here's Andrew Monk, undercover as "Tommy", the driver of a mini-bus ferrying half the chaps to their group date. The other half are travelling with "Gail", who is really mum Sandy.

In the back of the Tommymobile, Sam is babbling on like he's just eaten all the red jellybeans at an eighth birthday party. There's a difference between lust ("you want to bang em") and love ("you want to look after them"), he says.

Someone says friendship is a good place to start for love, but Sam wants it to feel "like a volcano". He wants "explosions, not in a rude sense", though come to think of it - which isn't really Sam's strong suit - "I do want it in a rude sense, but not straight away".

Oh dear.

The group date is a session with an art analyst called Ellen. The blokes will all be asked to do some "scribble art" (it really is a thing, Osher promises), which Ellen will decode to crack the innermost secrets of their souls.

Ellen, of course, is not an art analyst at all. She's Sophie's younger sister Lucy.

She knows nothing about art, she confesses to the camera, but she's a decent enough actor. "It's very important when you do scribble art that you treat it much like you would a relationship - with honesty and no fear," she says.

Sophie can't look at her because she knows she'll crack up.

The lads start scribbling - which looks remarkably like drawing, I must say - and soon manage to turn it into a competitive sport. There's jostling over who gets to sit next to Sophie, Sam reckons Jarrod is just copying Sophie's picture, Ryan is determined to make his picture seem all moody and mysterious.

Ryan's picture on The Bachelorette 2017

Ryan's picture is worth 1000 words, all of them "beware". Photo: Ten

It starts in lightness and ends in darkness, says "Ellen". Wow, says Ryan, who has clearly glommed on to what this twaddle is all about, maybe that's because all of my relationships "haven't ended very well".

You'd think that might be the cue for Little Sis' to enquire after the wellbeing of Ryan's former girlfriends, but no, she just pushes Sophie into a date with Mr Rochester.

Thankfully, Sophie is a little less hoodwinked than Lucy.

"The first night I met you I felt like you almost didn't like me, you came off a bit angry," she tells him on the couch of D&M. "It's not that, I've realised. You really don't want to get hurt."

Pause. "That's what my sister said."

She asks what he's looking for in a woman. "I love somebody who takes good care of herself. Physically."

"So a hot girl?"

"Yeah," he says. "Respectful. I don't like a woman that swears, who has a potty mouth."

In a moment destined to earn her the Marcel Marceau award for Best Mime Performance on a Reality Dating Show - just as soon as someone invents it - she turns her face ever so slightly away and mouths the word "f---".

Oh Sophie, you had me at potty mouth.

The Bachelorette 2017: Potty mouth Sophie Monk.

Old potty mouth. Photo: Ten

Back in the Room of Brotherly Love, the simmering tension between Sam and Jarrod is rapidly approaching boiling point.

Sam admits he's a "little bit creeped out" by old Farmer-Wants-A-Wife-(Like-Really-Really-Bad).

Jarrod, meanwhile, vents to polo man Bingham all the reasons he'd like to see Sam spontaneously combust.

"You're still growing your hair long, you've got bum fluff on your chain," he says, confusing Bingham for Sam, and why not, since all other men are competitors and Must. Be. Destroyed. "She wants to have children, not be with a child."

As it happens, Sophie is having some thoughts along the same lines. "You started talking about my cans on the photo shoot," she tells Sam, who insists he was just trying to be funny because he was nervous and a bit uncomfortable, what with the glistening all-but-naked torso of Blake hovering nearby.

"Don't worry about what everyone is thinking of you," she says. "I'm the same, I do that too, and I'm not going to get to know you if we're both doing that."

She really is a wise Monk, this Sophie. Om.

But Jarrod isn't finished griping yet. "I'm over him, for sure," he says of Sam. "I'm holding it in. I really am." Yeah, like a pressure cooker, mate.

Finally, he takes Sam aside. "I know there are some differences between us," he starts.

"I knew it would come to this," says Sam, whose life begins to flash before his eyes. "I heard you were quite angry."

"If I fall for a girl I am bull at a gate," says Farmer-Wants. "I am through that fence, I want to break down that electric fence ??? if guys are there, and that's the gate, I will try and get through."

Yes, he runs a winery but it sounds like he's thinking of converting it to a cattle stud.

Jarrod, right, takes Sam for a quite chat.

"Can I show you my collection of hunting knives, Sam?" Photo: Ten

"I think he's just seeing Sophie as a prize," says Sam to camera, "and he's doing everything he possibly can to achieve that prize. He's just become, like, super-intense."

True that.

Finally, it's time for the rose ceremony, and tonight three are going home. Luke got a rose on his date, so he's safe. Sam and Jarrod both make it through too. Likewise buff Blake and godly Apollo.

At last, there are just four suitors, and one rose left. Brett, the dude who looks like Ryan Gosling - well, he looks more like Ryan Gosling than Luke looks like George Clooney, which may not be saying all that much - is among them. But he's safe.

That means it's Pete, Eden and Jefferson who get cut. Hands up if you can remember anything about any of them (apart, maybe, from the fact Jefferson has an accent)?

But I reckon we'll remember the exchange of glances that passes between Pete and Apollo.

That look
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Oh. My. God. What does it mean?

"See you, bro?"

"Wow, I thought you'd be safe?"

"See you at mine later when this is all over?"

As the last of her rejects leaves, Sophie gives him a big hug. "Eden, I adore you."

Yes, but do you adore him as much as Apollo adores Pete? Who can say.

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This story Bachelorette turns Fatal Attraction as fresh romance blooms first appeared on The Sydney Morning Herald.